So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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