I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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