things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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