glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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