My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
