I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
