Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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