I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
