I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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