Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
