i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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