my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this beer tastes like vomit already
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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