You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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