i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
