i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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