Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
