Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
