I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
