Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we're making bets on your personal life
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
