i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
