That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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