I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
