Can Purell be used as lube?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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