Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
