how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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