Ambien. No doubt about it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
