I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
