A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
