at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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