Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
