he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
