I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
