I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Drunk is not a location!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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