Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
