We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
