just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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