I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
