I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
