the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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