im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
