You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
