if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
