I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
