she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
