i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
