im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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