well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
