worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
