i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
