Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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