Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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