Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
