I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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