We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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