May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Please don't give away my fajitas
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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