oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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