I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
