the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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