By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
