just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize